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  • Writer's pictureGD

Bible Study: Fever Pt.3, San (Part 1)

[Note: This series originally started as a project on Reddit. You can find an explanation of what Bible Study is all about here.]

While we normally post our Bible Studies on Sunday, tonight, we offer you a special Christmas candlelight service of our favorite weekly lore time! (by which I mean that I was unable to post before this and didn't have time to schedule it.) Anyways! Today, we take a look at San's page, which as always, offers us a deep contemplation on the world of Z.

GD: I am opening this diary

Ah a san page

That's nice

Bobby: It's been so long I'm not even sure how to begin

This Jongho reel just fixed my whole brain

Hold on there's book drama I need to figure out

GD: I have also watched this beautiful gift Jongho has given us

I love that he's just out here proving to atiny that he is in fact fun and cool and they can just

deal with it

Bobby: I suppose my takeaway here is that it's maybe a relief (?) that the book community is just as insane as the kpop community

GD: I think the only difference is the like.. I don't even know how to say it, so nevermind

But something to do with how the book community doesn't really need the book community in the same way that the kpop groups need their fans

Like, I'm still going to buy whatever books I want to read, and the community helps me find those books. But kpop is too niche to have it come across someone's radar without the community pushing it


Anyways, let me read San's page and then try to remember how we do this

Bobby: My bible is very thick and heavy now. If we continue with diaries in future series I'm going to need to start a new binder

GD: An old and new testament

Bobby: Lol

GD: San's page is short, but has a lot of meat

Bobby: Okay. Playlist is on but I am a mess today

Going to be a great bible study

GD: Be the light

Bobby: Halazia

01: where are we in the story thus far?

Bobby: So, the boys have broken into the gallery under the cover of the smoke that the guardians are drunk on.

They see Halateez in the glass case and have a chat, put their hands on the glass, and Halateez somehow transfer their suits to Ateez


02: thoughts on the page

Bobby: We'd sort of theorized that the smoke was an unintentional side effect of burning the memories but I'm not so sure any more?

GD: I think it could be both

Like, they didn't know it would happen and also now that they do, recreation for the android guardians

I just don't think there's any way they want the actual citizens drunk on this stuff.

This really reminds me of Fahrenheit 451

Bobby: It feels opposed to Z's whole regime though

GD: In 451, there is this part at the beginning where Montag's wife insists she's so happy and doesn't have to worry about anything, but then she overdoses on sleeping pills

and after the overdose, she has stomach pumped, and you learn that it's not the first time

and everyone is just like "yes, everyone is happy and good and this is all normal"

but, like, this is a society where people regularly overdose on their pills and have to have their stomach pumped. So how good are things really?

Bobby: I think we talked about this before, but it reminds me of Dr. John. He can't feel pain so he has to be super vigilant about his health. Because pain isn't the problem in itself, it's the warning flag that there is a problem. So, if you can't feel emotions, or your emotions are severely repressed, that doesn't mean that you aren't depressed and suffering

Like, the problems are still there even if you can't feel them

I am still stuck on androids getting drunk

I don't know how to process it

I started following you on twitter. You're welcome

GD: I think that's very interesting. Like that feeling our emotions lets us know we're going through a thing.. not that we're going through a thing because we feel our emotions.

And in fairness, we know that repressing our emotions and denial are like very bad things long term. It always explodes out somewhere in some way

And thank you. I need the precious follows.

Bobby: I'm here for the hot takes 

It's like, when you go through something very terrible and you just feel kind of numb because it's all too much to process? That doesn't mean you aren't feeling the effects of the thing. You're not fine just because you feel nothing

GD: I've become very fascinated by the idea of your memories being The Thing that leads to your emotions

If you don't have the memories of love, you can't be sad when the love is gone *so the theory goes

But it sort of reminds me of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind--where they get rid of the memories of love, but then somehow, the people fall in love again almost every time

Bobby: It's been ages since I've watched that.

GD: I watched it around the time Eternal Sunshine the song came out

Bobby: Like a proper clowntiny

You know you hear those stories about people who lose their memories and still fall in love with the person they were with before

GD: I was thinking about this yesterday because I was in the town where my parents live

And when I was 17, so like, almost 20 years ago, I was in a really bad car accident at this intersection down the street from their house 

It was one of my first times driving, and I had very severe ptsd afterwards. I couldn't get behind the wheel without having a panic attack, etc.

I think I was almost 20 before I could really drive again

And obviously, I drive almost every single day now

And I don't think I ever think about that wreck really. But I needed to go a different way yesterday, so I drove through that intersection for probably the first time in years, and the whole time, I thought about that wreck

Like, I could remember every single detail of it as if it was ingrained inside me

and I'm not sure I have a point, but if I do, it's something like there are some memories I think really do change who you are as a person, and even if you forget the memory, it doesn't change the change that happened?

Falling in love would be a memory like that.

Losing a child

Even happiness with friends

Bobby: I've been researching

As one does

So in reality, we never really lose our memories, just our ability to retrieve them

Like losing something in a packed storage closet. It's in there somewhere, we just don't know where

However, in Strictland, they are completely removing the memory and turning it into a physical object

GD: That makes sense. I think our personalities are a product of our experiences among other things. And what are experiences if not memories?

I'm thinking about phantom limb syndrome, I think it's called?

Bobby: Yes. I've experienced something similar when I cut my hair short, lol 

Like I could still physically feel my long hair even though it was gone

GD: I feel like even if you removed the memory, you would feel like it was still there. Or that... something was there. Maybe even worse, you'd feel like something important was missing

Bobby: I'm not sure how memories are stored--like do they take up physical space?


from reddit:

“Interesting question. Prion proteins have been implicated in long term potentiation — so yes, memory does consume physical space in neurons. Anatomical rearrangement of synaptic junctions also consume space, and the strengthening of these junctions also consume more space than they would otherwise”

So, if you did remove a memory physically, there would be a literal space left behind

GD: It's interesting that my feeling was that there are some memories that get carved into your dna, and in fact, the memories do really get carved into you somewhere

Doesn't mean anything, but makes me feel like I was sort of right, and that's nice

Bobby: If you think about it, very little of our lives are actually lived in the present

the vast majority of our lives are memories

GD: The line

"The memories were the source to live and hope"

Because I think it's sort of true that we live for our memories. Even things we do in the present are often about capturing memories

But also, my memories of my parents are what make me want to go visit my parents and help out as much as I can? And I'm sure it goes deeper than that too. Like, why we are motivated to do certain things has a lot to do with the memories we have

Bobby: Well yeah--people who are strangers are just people we have no memories with

The people we're closest to are those we've banked a lot of good memories with

Or maybe it's not necessarily about being good memories but just in quantity

GD: Do you remember one of the first teasers we got for will?

Bobby: Like the very first one?

GD: It was like Historia, Amistad, and Estrella

it was never really explained or never really went anywhere.. but history and friendship reminds me of this conversation we're having right now.

Bobby: I do feel this cycle of promotions has a lot of loose ends. I still don't feel like Mito was fully explained or justified

GD: Perhaps it will be in the short epilogue they will throw out at the end of February

Bobby: It will feel like the inexplicable animations that follow the xikers comebacks

GD: I feel like some of it has to be determined on a 'dreamscape' level

Now that we know going into people's dreams is a literal thing they're doing

Bobby: Is it?

Are we really sure?

Because it doesn't happen in the diaries

GD: Unless I'm just supposed to throw the MAMA performance away

Bobby: It's also not referenced in the Crazy Form mv outside of the suggestion that maybe this is all a dream

So I don't know what we're supposed to do with it

GD: Well, a lot of questions, but I guess that's getting off track a little bit

Do we have any other thoughts on this page?

I do feel like it tells us a lot about San

Bobby: He gets mad

Never for himself, but for other people

Strangers he's never met

GD: I feel a lot of the pages in this diary have been from a boy’s perspective but really just a means to tell the story

This one feels more personal to San

I think that San has never had a chance to stay in a place for long, which gives him some extra feelings related to people's memories being taken away. Both that he's been deprived the opportunity of making deep meaningful memories, and that sometimes his memories are all he has--like I feel those two things are at play with his anger

Bobby: Yes. As someone who also moved around a lot growing up, I was always envious of people with deep roots

And I think it's telling that San's reaction to moving that we see in the first diary isn't anger. Even though he's well within his rights to be angry. There were definitely times when my response to moving again was anger.

So it tells us a lot about him that what makes him angry isn't about him but about other people

Like, as much as I hate the "San ALWAYS sacrifices himself" narrative, it's not based on nothing

He is incredibly selfless

GD: I feel like I have a thought that's just on the edge of my brain

But it's not here

Any other thoughts on the page?

Bobby: No, I think it's time for praise and prayer


03: praise and prayer

Bobby: A tough moment for praises

GD: Well, mine is going to be incredibly selfish and personalized only to me. But it is what it is.

My praise is that Jongho seemed genuinely happy when he saw the picture of my other friends who bias him, and that made me really happy that Jongho could know there are other people out there who love him.

That happy moment has and will get me through this week

And that's really all I have

Bobby: But isn't it enough though?

GD: It is. But it's sad it can't be enjoyed by the broader public.

Bobby: Perhaps but that's not your job

I know that the conceit of this exercise it to pick something recent and specific

But I don't really have anything recent and specific that comes to mind because there's been so much nonsense

I feel like everything that I'd pick comes with a bit of shadow. Like I was thinking how happy I am that Jongho is doing so well but then it reminds me that Wooyoung's been having some issues

I was also thinking about how we know the unit songs will be performed on tour and how great that is, but I am weirdly so stressed about tour

GD: It's easy to be stressed about the tour even if that feels sort of silly

But like, we all want good seats, and we know it'll cost money, and there's the excitement of it, but also a bit of fear because they haven't given us dates or locations

So easy to be stressed

Bobby: Okay, I'm officially going with two things

I've been listening to the bible study playlist and I love that Ateez's music is timeless for me. I get just as much joy listening to DLBW now that I did the first time. Arguably more.

For my actual timely thing, I'm pleased that Jongho gets to show off all his different sides because he's not a one dimensional character from a fictional story. He's a real live person who exists

GD: Jongho makes the world a better place.

I could just say "Jongho" each week

Bobby: I still can't believe he was just gone for over a month and we just kept living

So weird

GD: I don't know how we did it

Be the light

Bobby: Halazia


We will be back next week to further delve into San's page with our sacred practice. Let us know what you think about San's reactions to the memories or your thoughts on how the memory removal works!



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